enigma and sex!

heh. wanted to write this down for a while, never had the patience. just gonna c&p it from a convo w/ katya on AIM:

D: and dude, my mind goes to sex for almost EVERYTHING enigma does.

K: *nod* yeah

D: the first CD?

K: or.. talls cliffs looking over the sea

D: one HUGE sex-centered cinematic experience for me. oddly enough, it was also really spiritual, almost.

K: just... something about nature, really

K: tantric. *grins*

K: (kamasutrakamasutrakamasutra) all about spirituality, baby. heheh.

K: maybe the only way i can achieve orgasm is through tantric sex. *muse*

K: ok.. listening to cross of changes now

D: *LOL* actually it was... i dunno, odd.

D: cool, though.

D: it was christianity-based.

D: but ... a LOT of sex.

K: methinks iwant to start having your dreams

D: it wasn't a dream!

K: cool.. and gooooooood because its just so bad.

D: it was like a daydream.

K: like.. fucking an angel!

K: ok not quite. *muse*

D: *LOL* it WAS sorta fucking-an-angel-idea'd

K: really?

K: *laugh*]

K: pinned ya!!!

D: well, i wasn't in it.

D: i was just watching, like a movie.

K: really? shame.

K: voyeur!

D: basically - well. first you have that introduction

D: and then this panorama unfolds

D: like this monastery hiiiigh on a mountain

D: the lighting's all golden/red and artistic

D: and it's like, dawn

D: WAY high on a mtn - nothing but clouds beneath

K: you know.. there is this kickass monastery i would love to go visit.. if i weren't so afraid of heights.

K: oh lightning!

D: and you have all the monks kinda filing into morning prayers or something

K: i love lightning. i wish i had your visual.s

D: no - foggish clouds, like the ones under the golden gate bridge

D: and all lit up golden and red

D: and all these dark-cloaked monks going to the chapel

K: chanting/

K: ?

D: yup. that's the chanting.

K: medieval christianity is a league of its own

D: and you know how there's like - one guy chanting

D: and all these people answering?

D: that's like lead monk leading the monks in it

K: man this is gonna make me want to read some badass medieval erotica. *laugh*

D: but then that woman speaking?

D: heh.

D: so...all the monks were at the chapel except for one - the protagonist - who's in his room

D: and he's, er, jerking off in front of a virgin mary statue.

D: (but it was all weirdly RELIGIOUS! like - religious rapture, only... physical?)

D: brb - i'll tell you the rest later.

K: jerking off is SUCH an inelegant, and not altogether sexy, way of saying it.

D: masturbating!?

D: stroking off?

K: ack! i hate that word!

D: touching himself!


K: no! there must be a better way.. *muse*

K: i guess touching is the closest.. *muse*

D: self-pleasure?


K: to the virgin mary though!?!?!?!?


D: it was fucked up

K: pleasuring thyself.

D: *dies*

D: but - okay

D: then, after that.

K: thats just.. damon... you had your noggin checked recently?

D: you know how there's 3 songs in one in that first track?

D: the first is sadeness

D: the second is principles of lust

K: needs some serious examination. i reckon you got some messages going through these dreams. *laugh*

D: then sadeness again?

K: *nod*

D: IT'S NOT A DREAM!! it was like a vision! like imagination. daydreaming, almost, only i wasn't in it.

K: vision is worse!

D: and - okay. so the second song, he sneaks out of the monastery

D: goes to a whorehouse

K: i mean.. what if you were prophetic and these all really MEANT things!!!

D: ensue massive debauchery

K: although dude, maybe you should write a book about this.i think i'd buy it, with your writing style. *smirk*

D: *dies* maybe i'll write it for nano this year.

D: i actually thought about nanoing it out

D: but i was too embarrassed

D: it is ALL


D: SEX, man

K: do it@

K: i'd so read it@



K: god. i can't do exclamations!!

K: so what?

K: you know.. writing about sex is HARD

D: *LOL* well - and kind of a fall from grace/redemption story beneath it.


D: i feel stupid

K: to make it.. steamy and hot but not crass.

K: hee. thats why roleplays are good. *grins*

K: but in truth, as soon as you start getting explicit - he puts his cock here, and there and.. yeah. just the word cock its like.. ARGH!

K: and then.. if you use manhood? *laughs* sounds sooooooo silly.

K: hmm. sex is usually safe.. mebbe.

K: "the heat of his sex"

K: actually sounds silly too. *frowns*

K: ok.. don't get into specifics.

K: just talk about the positions. hahaha

K: i think you'd do a great job though.

D: no. cock is the only acceptable word.

but *LMAO* duuuude.

D: okay - want me to tell you the rest, or just save it for the never-to-be-written nano?

K: no tell me!

K: (and you should do it)

K: or just.. write it. give it to me and i'll give my opinion

K: can be a secret pet project of yours.

K: if it gets me hot and bothered, extra brownie points for success!! *grins*

D: *would be so entirely too embarrassed*

D: and okay

D: so.

K: why?? *blinks*

D: when the next sadeness comes in

K: *laugh* actually i probably would in the same situation.

D: the third part of the song?

D: it's like - orgy over

K: unless i came up with a really good plot.

K: *nod*

D: and he's like - still feeling unsatisfied? well - not physically, but like, empty, not whole.

K: emotionally. *muse*

K: unsatiated.

D: spiritually.

so, callas went away starts, and he goes wandering down the mountain.

K: *loves that word*

D: and hence all that nature sound - birds and water and stuff

K: *nod*

K: *laugh* i almost want to play this out in a scene. would be so cool!

D: he goes wandering, and like, passes the gates of the convent.

K: oh dear. poor nuns.

K: *grins*

D: and sees one of the nuns?

D: and it's like - still point of the turning world.

D: the WHOLE song, is just him like, STARING, slow-mo

K: wow.

K: maybe you should make this a short film. *giggles*

D: fortunately it's not that long a song.

it'd seriously work better as film, heh.

D: as story it'd be too overwrought.

K: the concept, however, could be... fun.

D: and like - well, not just staring, but like. he stares at her, she notices him, she stares at him, they kinda meet at the gate

D: oh yeah, and it's like - night by now

D: pouring rain, but not cold?

D: warmly drenching

K: like thousands of moist kisses. *giggles*

K: hahah

D: and then, of course, the kiss through the wrought-iron gate.

K: *nod*

K: CASANOVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K: we have FOUND our man!

K: isn't casanova reputed to have been given a.. headjob actually.. by a nun through an iron gate?

D: fade to black. mea culpa. it opens on like - them, in the woods behind the convent, BUCK NAKED, obviously having fucked all night. it's pitch black, the hours before dawn.

D: and like - they can hear the drums. and it's like OH SHIT, THE MONKS ARE COMING FOR US

K: (i love you rocks... *sighs happily*)

D: (apparently they very martial monks)

K: *laugh*

D: and then when the backbeat comes in?

D: they jump up and start, like, running away through the forest

D: and then it's this interspersed scene

D: in the present, they're hauling ass for leather

D: but in flashbacks, it's like - really hot sex.

K: does their skin get scratched and bloody from trees and shrubs, and leaves in their hair and dirt on their bodies?

K: wow... intense vision there, Damon.

D: well, they kinda dress first, but all messily. and then they get holes torn in clothes and get all bloodied, yeah.

K: flashbacks and everything.

D: it was INTENSE. it's not even half done yet *LOL*

D: so - like this interspersement of the present frantic ESCAPE

D: and the past frantic FUCKING

K: *laugh*

K: its all about escape, really.

D: (the girl panting throughout is like... the same for both)

D: and then, of course, they get caught at the end.

D: the girl gets dragged off, and i don't know what happens to her. the guy's is the protagonist.

D: in the Voice and the Snake

D: it's basically his trial?

K: *nod*

D: but it's really creepy and mystical, a lot of smoke-effects, hooded figures with no faces, condemning him.

D: and then knocking on forbidden doors

K: *nod* very ritualistic.

D: you know how there's that "knocking" sound? the pounding?

D: well - in my version, that was hammering. they nailed him to a cross!!!

K: ack.. i don't know the inbetween songs that well.

K: cross! ouch!

K: ok. religious symbols.. yay!

K: that has to be a fav. :P

D: and you know how there's like - a guy (i think it's the main enigma guy) going "mother" or something throughout? apparently that was him kinda - calling out to the virgin mary?

D: sorta like a reflection of the whole father why have you forsaken me thang?

K: hmm. i need to listen to the album again

D: and then back to the rivers of belief - it's all quiet at the beginning, right?

D: that's cuz he's like, been put up on the crucifix

D: and is kinda dangling there

K: (and how can you not like carly's song!!!!!?!?!?!)

K: hmm. does he escape, or is that it?

D: and it's like this ... delirious dream-sequence, almost, interspersed again: in his mind he's envisioning rain and limpid pools and, heh, fucking his girl

K: you know.. there's something really raw and primal about that vision which really appeals to the senses..

K: like god vs man almost

D: and in reality he's baking under the sun.

D: (which vision?)

K: well.. that.. dream thing

D: and there's all these monks gathered, watching, and he's just up there all bloodied and crack-lipped and ... AWFUL LOOKING, dying?

K: and yet the defiance remains.

D: and then it kinda fades into the low backbeat again, and the monks have drifted off. it's night.

D: and it goes back to the woman speaking again - and yeah! sorta defiance.

K: so man against god, man against restraints, man against control.

D: oh, this is where he remembers screwing the nun-chick.

K: reminds me of the Marquis de Sade

D: (well, Sadeness IS named after him...)

K: but.. not as... umm.. sadistic. *laugh*

D: and then it goes on for a while

K: is it?

D: slower sex this time. kinda dreamy, almost

K: never knew that. *laugh*

D: and then - you know how it SUDDENLY swells into that "take me back to the rivers of belief" part?

D: it's like - i dunno. hard to describe.

K: no!! *pouts* cos i don't know the album that well.

D: you gotta relisten.

D: save this convo, listen, and follow along *LOL*

K: need to listen again and read through your ... yeah. do that.

D: but - yeah, the swelling, it's like - sunrise? sorta?

D: but not. it's BLAZING white light

D: and then the silence

D: "And when the lamb opened the seventh seal, silence covered the sky."

D: --he dies.

D: and then the music again, and everything, and this time it's like - this bird's eye view soaring over this GORGEOUS forest

K: you have.. there are words??

K: and.. thats sorta sad.

K: awesome though. utterly awesome.

D: and gradually spiraling higher and higher? and you see the whole panorama spanned out

K: you should write it down.. to never forget it.

D: and kinda - just - GLORIOUS, man. it was awesome. and then that gradually eventually fades out.

D: it's kinda sad? but more like, WHOA. because it was totally redemption, you know?

K: *nod* yeah.

D: or more that he'd never been wrong in seeking physical love.

K: *laugh* dangerous.

D: it was cool. it was REALLY vivid. heh. i dunno where it came from.

K: you should write it.

K: man.. even the staring bit.. that could be so easily written.. powerfully too.

D: heh. it was seriously cool, "seeing" it. it was just riveting.

D: i gotta post! brb




had a fight with brianna tonight. heh, it's funny, she's always bri to me until i get angry, and then she's brianna.

i thought i'd come on ranting about that but... i dunno. it was a while ago. well, heh, not quite two hours, but since then my fury's dimmed and i'm left kind of exhausted by it all.

strange thing is now in retrospect it was a damn good day in literal and metaphorical senses. i had a good time. i had fun. even now looking back on it there are moments that make me chuckle. and then there are moments that make something in me collapse on itself because i love her so much.

having a fight does ruin some things, though.

it was pretty dumb. in short it was cuddle time for bri and personal time for damon, and it kinda went downhill from there. she doesn't yell or rave; she was actually quite polite about it all, but she suddenly wanted to go home. so i drove her home. it was a long silent drive and i was stewing.

coming back though, it was a full moon tonight and the freeway was just... blue-white-grey, streaking by. i was angry so i was going 90+ mph. i was rushing to get home. but i still had the presence of mind to turn off the headlights in this one stretch, this empty stretch on the 280, and it was beautiful, dim-bright with the moonlight, the mountain lake off the side of the freeway, the closest headlights at least a half-mile behind me and trailing off fast.

so i guess that's what i wanted to set down. the juxtapositioning of it all. good day/bad fight/love my girl/hate the moment/moonlight on the highway.


heh, so...

pissiness at bri is over. i remembered something totally small and dumb and all my anger just evaporated like so much isopropanol on a hot day. earlier today i bought a pack of orbit gum and i've never bought it before and i was opening it wrong - i was basically trying to tear it open by brute force - and she reached over, so earnest and not at ALL condescending, really trying to help, and was like, "Oh...! Damon, here, like this: you open this flap? And then to close it? You push it in here."

oh man, it was just so sweet. heh. fwp! there went the anger.

also helpful was rereading some old diary rants. though... heh. in the HUNGRY!!! one? i mentioned something like never being able to daydream vividly.

it was true then.

it is SO not true anymore.

so - on the way back from palm springs over thxgiving - did i mention i went to palm springs to hang out with old, old high school friends from san diego, now scattered all over the country, over thxgiving? well, i'm mentioning it now: it was AWESOME. a week of bachelor partying in my best friend's parents' sprawling palm springs almost-mansion. staying up all night, drinking til the room spun and then calling those few friends that didn't make it to the reunion to let them know what they were missing out on, trying to cook our own turkey, running out for breakfast at IHOP's at 7am WITHOUT HAVING SLEPT THE NIGHT BEFORE... watching movies at all hours, driving around, hanging out, just... hanging out, like in the good ol' days - oh man. it was glorious. like being 17 again.

anyway. digression.

on the way back from palm springs, i was physically and mentally exhausted, hung over, and heavily influenced by having watched bits of X-men on TV the night before while guzzling massive quantities of vodka.

annnnd i had a very vivid daydream.

(heh. NC-17 part ahead.)

about fucking famke janssen.

and. omfg. it was SO FUCKING HOT.

so there's me, sitting on the tiny puddlejumper between palm springs and LA before i transferred to the 737 from LA to SF - 40 minutes flight, NOISY AS HELL, and i was sitting on the single-seat aisle on the left of the plane, eyes shut, trying to sleep but unable to recline cuz we were taking off, so my mind was just wandering, and somehow, SOMEHOW, it just touched on famke janssen.

(for those not in the know, she's jean grey in x-men. yeeeah. her. lithe and lean with those mmm mmm ENDLESS legs and that wonderfully ...danish? was she danish? well, north-euro-but-not-too-north face. gaaahh. she's so fine.)

and, i can't even remember what it was. just kinda like an idea that flitted in and out of my mind. and next thing i know i'm like, picturing this, right, picturing HER. then i'm picturing her... NAKED. annnnd i was like, hell, while i'm at it, HEH.

and it got outta hand from there on out.

not gonna go into (too much) detail, but: heh. yeah. those laaaiggs sliding around my ribs and up my back. and the way the shadows fell across her face in the darkness. the way her eyes looked close-up. arching of the neck, her one hand on my jaw, her other on my chest, up against the wall - daayum. it was just amazing how much detail was crammed in there, all vivid-sharp, sharper, in fact, than in real life because - let's face it - when you're getting it on with a gorgeous woman in real life, you don't have the presence of mind to focus on the way she looks close-up, the way those eyes shut and then open, glimmer, the crystal-clear/dark-fuzzy way she was licking her lips.

daydream = COOL.

and the most incredible thing was - it was semiautonomous, the daydream. i mean things happened that surprised me a bit, and that's important in sex (even imaginary sex), to stay surprise-able. but at the same time, i had enough control over the whole daydream to, say, change positions. or kinda just fade out and fade in on a totally different scenario. not to mention, i could kinda pause the action at a point, skip back to an earlier favorite-point, and replay that before going on with the previous one.

it was like directing my own personal softcore porn, man. it KICKED ASS. i was so damn disappointed when the plane suddenly jolted down at LAX. i hadn't gotten to the end yet! there was a stretch left to go and i wasn't done yet! and i tried to pick up the thread again, later, but somehow i always either fell asleep first, or my mind wandered elsewhere.

i think to daydream, you need to almost be meditating. sitting, not lying down. and in a certain tired/but not ready to sleep state of mind where your imagination takes on a certain coherent clarity.

--oh hell, just look at me trying to turn this LUSTFUL RAMBLE into a philosophical discussion! i can practically hear my id calling: give in, damon! embrace the primitive, grunting lust!


...thank you, and have a good evening.