san francisco (iii)

san francisco again. this time i think i've got a breakthrough. this is c&ped outta a rant, mostly unedited (added in some punctuation, heh):

i love this city. i love this city in a way that, when i go across the bay in the afternoon and see it shining in the fog, something in me caves in on itself. i think i've figured out why.

the reason it collapses me is because i can't...grasp it. it's like music. ever transient. the moment you hear it is the moment it's gone.

and san francisco - from a distance -

i love san francisco. i love being in it, living in it. but that sort of crushing love only comes when i'm across the bay from it. not even in it. just seeing it. and it's just...the moments.

i can - and i have, lotsa times - stood somewhere on the east bay from 5:30ish all the way until 7pm. usually with someone (if i'm alone, it's shorter - maybe 30 min, an hour). but if i'm with someone, like bri or even just a friend, i can just stand there, and just live it. watch the light change.

but it's gotta be "live". heh. like - see, you can't turn that to a movie ,a picture. it loses something if you see it again, or if it's static. that's what it is - if you try to record it, it becomes static. and the magic of it is that every moment is always slipping by.

the city is so far away. it's miles away across the bay and it's white in fog and sunlight, and you can't touch it. more so than that, you can't even touch what it is that makes you cave in on yourself - because what makes you cave in, is living it. is watching the city in the changing afternoon luminescence. and every minute you watch, every second that slips by - is never coming back. and that's what's crushing about it, as well as what's beautiful about it.

(look how much i'm ranting, heh)

it's cuz i can't...put it down right. i gotta keep going back over it to tweak, so it makes more sense.

here. one last go. what's beautiful about it, is living the moments of watching it. but because you're living it, and because it'll never come back again, you can't grasp that beauty; and because you can't grasp it - it's heartbreaking.