starving.

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weird. i meant to start this entry talking about how fucking HUNGRY i am (because i am), but just sitting here, typing in the time, i was suddenly struck by this fleeting, ever-so-fleeting impression of a dream i had last night.

i can't remember what it was. can't even remember what the impression was. but something triggered the memory, and for a moment (more like an instant) i was frozen on the tiptop of that impression, straining for the rest of it. i wish...

argh.

it's frustrating; it's like reaching for something you're about a millimeter from touching, but can't. or worse: like reaching for something round at the top of the shelf, but as soon as you touch it, it rolls further away.

maybe i need to tilt the shelf. how do you tilt a mental shelf?

it occurs to me that i hard ever use capitalization in my entries here anymore. not sure why i do that. i think words come more easily when i don't have to stop and capitalize, though.

all right. NOW. let's talk about how hungry i am.

it's insane. i'm ravenous. i had clam chowder around 7pm, and yet i am utterly, completely starving. i'm sitting here and fantasies of food fill my mind. i'm fantasizing about food more avidly than i fantasize about women. mostly, that's because i've never mastered the art of daydreaming - how does that work, anyway? i hear it's like a semidream; you have some control over what happens, but not total control. you set it into motion and then it kinda unfolds by itself.

i've never, ever daydreamed. to be sure i've stared off into space and let my thoughts wander, but i've never been able to put together something that i could see. except at night, of course, when i'm one step away from sleep.

actually, come to think of it, the bridge into sleep for me is usually music. i can tell when i'm about to fall asleep because i might remember a song, and it'll be very vivid for me.

what do i mean by that? i mean: well, here. take any old song. take Garbage, or Beethoven; something complex and multilayered. try to remember the way it sounded.

most likely, what you'll get is just the melody line. like - You Look So Fine. you'll get the lyrics, the way the lyrics lilt. me, right now, i'm remembering that bit, "I'm not like all of the other girls/I can't take it like the other girls - that you used to know."

(You're taking me over...over and over...)

--heh, anyway. just the melody, though, right?

now, when i'm starting to fall asleep, i start hearing more of it. the background music. the bassline; the electronica; the guitars and the drums. more and more and more. then i either slide into a dream where the music fades off and goes into some sort of visual that i'll most likely forget - or, i'll wake up again.

that's usually because i heard something that woke me up; drew my attention and let my attention fade from the music in my head. then, when i try to recapture what i was "listening" to, it's back to just the melody line.

anyway. that was quite a tangent.

point is: i've never daydreamed. however, i can see clear-as-day, if i just close my eyes, FOOD.

thanksgiving turkeys, gleaming and golden-brown, stuffed with mom's stuffing, surrounded by heaps of creamy mashed potatoes (with skins in) and dark brown, thick, unlumpy gravy. meat loaf soaking in its own broth. ham with those little fruit thingies on top. steak. oh my god. steak, thick and juicy, a little pink at the middle. hamburgers. stacked high with lettuce and tomatoes and bacon and cheese. hot dogs, like those at Top Dog. crisped, a little burnt, hot and delicious with mustard, ketchup and sauerkraut atop. biscuits, flaky, buttery, hot. fish - trout, the way i make it. more fish - smoked salmon, the way my dad's old professor used to make it when he was a post-doc. tender and smoky and salty-sweet. curry chicken. korean barbecue beef and pork. ethiopian food, with those funky dough-things. gyros and hummus. all of it hot and ready to eat and delicious and sumptuous; prancing in front of me, sashaying around all utterly edible and begging to be devoured.

christ. i'm going to die if i don't eat something.

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